A few weeks ago Ron and I went for our routine 20 week ultrasound, where we found out that our little girl has anencephaly (a neural tube defect where she is developing with little or no brain/skull top). This is a terminal illness and if she survives to term and through birth we would have very little time with her. We were given the option to end the pregnancy, but from the second I heard of her condition I knew that wouldn't be an option for us. She is our baby girl and we will protect and love her for as long as she is with us. I am able to enjoy feeling her movemements knowing that she is happily growing inside of me, in no pain.
I am starting this blog to help me through this journey and to be able to remember some of the sweet moments that have come from such difficult news. I'm guessing it won't all be pleasant but I want to document what I can....
We told Danny (our 4 year old son) and Lilah (our 19 month daughter) about Annabelle on Good Friday. I remember clearly hoping that Danny would understand, but he asked a couple of questions and the conversation was over. After speaking to the doctor and a few other people, we decided to let him lead the conversations and if he wanted to talk about things again we would address his issues.
Over a month went by and yesterday morning all of a sudden Danny came into our bed and told us that he was going to visit Annabelle in heaven by building a rocketship. We had to explain to him that he wouldn't be able to go visit her, and he was extremely upset. This in turn broke my heart. Later on he asked if he could come to our next appointment (he went to a few before we heard the news) and when I asked him why, he told me he wanted to dance to her heartbeat... At past appointments he would dance to it, and until he mentioned it yesterday I completely forgot about this.
Today he decided to tickle my belly saying that it would make Annabelle's head feel better. He asked if I could feel her smiling because he knew she was happy. :-) He's such a good big brother to her already. But as he continued to "tickle" Annabelle he asked how she would get to Jesus. I tried explaining that her body will stay on earth and that her spirit would go to heaven, but I know that it was too much for him to understand. He began to cry that he wants her to stay with us so that he can watch her grow up. The most difficult part of this journey for me is that my son (and daughter who is blessedly unaware at her young age) have to lose their baby sister and there is nothing I can do to protect them from that hurt.
I know I wrote a lot in a messy manner but I wanted to get my thoughts down for now.
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