Saturday was a hard day... For some reason I have been getting increasingly angry and I hit my melting point Saturday night at my parents' house.  I was just so angry at the situation.  That I have no choice but to let my baby girl go.  That everyone else can push the pain aside, when I can't.  That people ignore the fact that I am pregnant when all I want to do is talk about my little Annabelle.  I was angry about things I shouldn't be angry about and things I probably have reason for.  But I hate being angry, especially about a situation that includes someone as special as my angel girl.  I don't want to be angry anymore... I just want to let that feeling go.  I know I will still be sad and hurt and even frustrated at times, but I am asking for peace from the anger.
Please God, help me stay away from anger.  I don't want my daughter to have to know what anger feels like.  I want her only to feel love and comfort from her mother.  She has much too short of a life to have negative feelings affect her. 

Appointment Today

We had a checkup appointment today with Deb (our wonderful nurse midwife) and Annabelle has a very strong heartbeat (between 140's-150's).  I am measuring larger, which is pointing to my having access fluid already.  I am measuring at 28-28 1/2 weeks and am 26 weeks now.  I never measured larger with my other kids.  We will have an ultrasound at 32 weeks to see how Annabelle herself is measuring, what the fluid levels are, and to see how severe the anencephaly is.  I am looking forward to this, but also nervous about hearing how severe she is.  We also spoke about different hospitals, organ/tissue donation, and other concerns regarding the birth.  At this point I was pretty happy with how the appointment went but am a bit nervous about measuring large already.  This only means that I will get larger sooner and have a possibilitly of getting pretty uncomfortable in the next several weeks.  One perk is that I don't have to do the regular glucose test and will be having an improvised 2 hour blood test done.  Which means, I need to eat a regular breakfast and 2 hours later get a blood draw.  No icky drink for me. :-)  I also have to get my rhogam shot next appointment... 
  

Last Night...

Last night in bed I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that Annabelle isn't going to make it full term.  It's a feeling that has slowly been creeping up on me, but last night it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I'm worrying about it too much, but it's a mother's intuition and I just can't let it go. 
Baby girl, I hope you enjoyed our walk in the forest preserve yesterday evening.  Just you, me, and daddy.  We loved seeing the deer and just being out in the peacefulness.  As long as you are with me I will cherish our time together.  And I hope we still have some time...  For some reason I feel like our time together is coming to an end, and I want you to know that I will miss you with all my heart.  A piece of me will go to heaven with you...

Tummy Tickles

I know that my little Annabelle doesn't move as much as my other two kids did in utero, but sometimes when she does she moves in a way that feels like she is trying to tickle me from the inside. :-)  The first time this happened, I literally laughed out loud and every time since it puts a huge smile on my face.  I love you little one.  Even now you know how to make me happy.

Walks...

It never ceases to amaze me how theraputic a long walk on a beautiful night can be.  These past two nights I have been able to go for a walk after putting Lilah to sleep, and I hope I can continue walking for as long as possible this pregnancy.  I am able to clear my mind and just enjoy my time with Annabelle. Enjoy being pregnant, and that is not something I can do much without worrying or thinking about the future.  I hope to be able to remember these walks as my special time with my little one.  I love you Annabelle, and I hope you can feel that during our time together.

Thanks...

Today I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive these past few weeks.  I don't know if I will ever post this for public viewing, but I feel it necessary to write down how much it means to us what everyone has done.
First thank you to everyone at YGS who helped us with food, cards, and words of support.  I especially want to thank Kristen for continuing with bringing us dinner once a week.  It helps more than you can know to have a day during the week when I don't have to worry about feeding the family and can just take the time to mentally "let go" for a bit.  I didn't think making meals, doing laundry, and keeping up the house would be so difficult during this time- and I am just so mentally and physically drained that these basics just get put aside.
Thank you to Heather for always being there for me and letting me vent 24/7 if necessary.  Thank you for letting me totally break down, and thank you for going out with me to try and relax even for just a bit.  Your friendship means the world to me and even though our pregnancies didn't end up the way they were supposed to I am still glad I got to share with you and can't wait to meet Colton! :-)
Thank you to all my family for the support and love.  I know you are also having to grieve and I thank you for being supportive of our family in so many different ways.  I know that when Annabelle comes, because of you she will only know love and compassion.  And for that I will always be grateful.
And thank you to the countless others out there who are praying for us and thinking of us during this time.  I am proud of my daughter and I want everyone to know that she is part of our family and will always be our grandaughter, daughter, sister, and niece.  The more people that know about her, the more that can love her. 

I have one other thank you that I want to post.  I was on a forum a few days ago asking where to purchase a nice preemie hat (since I'm not sure what size Annabelle will need)  and a wonderful stranger, Sara, has offered to make several hats in different sizes so that something will fit her perfectly when she comes.  This gift is truly touching and I will never forget that a complete stranger reached out to help my precious Annabelle.

May 18th

A few weeks ago Ron and I went for our routine 20 week ultrasound, where we found out that our little girl has anencephaly (a neural tube defect where she is developing with little or no brain/skull top).  This is a terminal illness and if she survives to term and through birth we would have very little time with her.  We were given the option to end the pregnancy, but from the second I heard of her condition I knew that wouldn't be an option for us.  She is our baby girl and we will protect and love her for as long as she is with us.  I am able to enjoy feeling her movemements knowing that she is happily growing inside of me, in no pain. 
I am starting this blog to help me through this journey and to be able to remember some of the sweet moments that have come from such difficult news.  I'm guessing it won't all be pleasant but I want to document what I can....

We told Danny (our 4 year old son) and Lilah (our 19 month daughter) about Annabelle on Good Friday.  I remember clearly hoping that Danny would understand, but he asked a couple of questions and the conversation was over.  After speaking to the doctor and a few other people, we decided to let him lead the conversations and if he wanted to talk about things again we would address his issues. 
Over a month went by and yesterday morning all of a sudden Danny came into our bed and told us that he was going to visit Annabelle in heaven by building a rocketship.  We had to explain to him that he wouldn't be able to go visit her, and he was extremely upset.  This in turn broke my heart.  Later on he asked if he could come to our next appointment (he went to a few before we heard the news) and when I asked him why, he told me he wanted to dance to her heartbeat...  At past appointments he would dance to it, and until he mentioned it yesterday I completely forgot about this. 
Today he decided to tickle my belly saying that it would make Annabelle's head feel better.  He asked if I could feel her smiling because he knew she was happy. :-)  He's such a good big brother to her already.  But as he continued to "tickle" Annabelle he asked how she would get to Jesus.  I tried explaining that her body will stay on earth and that her spirit would go to heaven, but I know that it was too much for him to understand.  He began to cry that he wants her to stay with us so that he can watch her grow up.  The most difficult part of this journey for me is that my son (and daughter who is blessedly unaware at her young age)  have to lose their baby sister and there is nothing I can do to protect them from that hurt. 
I know I wrote a lot in a messy manner but I wanted to get my thoughts down for now.