Annabelle Lucille was born on July 19th at 10:39 pm and joined the angels July 20th at 12:02 am. I have been wanting to post on here, but every time I would think of it I wouldn't be able to sit down and actually type out the words. I think there is a sort of finality putting everything down and I just wasn't ready for that until now.
I am going to begin with July the 18th when we met one of the most wonderful people I have had the grace of meeting. We had an appointment with Nancy (an RN at Mercy that works with special cases like ours) and were able to discuss exactly what we did and did not want when we had Annabelle. Nancy was able to give us some much needed advice and also some wonderful suggestions as we discussed the details. She also told us that she would try to be there for labor and delivery.
The next day (at 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant) I went into labor. I was feeling pressure come and go that morning, but at that point I thought it was just more pain from all the fluid I was carrying. Because of our appointment with Nancy the day before (and we had a 3D ultrasound appointment the 19th) my kids were with my parents. Ron had his last tutoring appointment at 11 that afternoon and left around 10:30. At that point I really started to feel the pain and noticed that it was coming and going every few minutes. I think I knew then that Annabelle was coming but wasn't ready to admit it. I decided to take a shower and get ready for the day. At that point I couldn't avoid the contractions any longer, I called my mom and she told me to sit down and start keeping track of how far apart the pain was coming. When I noticed they were coming 3-5 minutes apart, I called my nurse midwife's office. They told me to come in immediately and when I got off the phone with them I just let go and bawled. I always had a feeling that Annabelle was going to come early, but I just wasn't ready to let go yet! I texted Ron and when he came home we left for the office. From the office I was sent right to L&D and knew there was no turning back.
I was blessed to have Nancy come in on her day off to be our nurse, and she stayed with us the entire day and through the night. I also had Deb (my nurse midwife) and Wendy (training to become a nurse midwife) there. I texted Heather in a panic once I made it to the hospital because even though I had some things ready for Annabelle I wasn't fully prepared. Heather went out and bought Annabelle some onesies and the outfit that she would wear once she was born. I am so greatful to have such a wondeful friend and am happy to say that Heather came and was a part of Annabelle's birth. I also had my mother in the room with me, while the rest of the family was given the room next door to wait and meet our beautiful angel.
I believe that I was given extra strength during the labor because even though it was awful pain, I felt more in control than I did with my other two. I was progressing quickly and was at 9 cm by 6:30 pm. I felt the urge to push and thought that she was on her way. I started to push and suddenly the contractions started to slow and the urge to push was gone. I was extremely frustrated and I think that the labor slowed because my water wouldn't break. Normally the nursemidwife would have broken my water at this point, but I ready that the water keeps an anencephaly baby's head protected and I did not want it broken unless absolutely necessary. After an hour or so of contractions slowing down I was given pitocin to try to get a better rhythm again. Since I was going through all this naturally at approximately ten I was exhausted, frustrated, and having a difficult time dealing with the pain. Deb finally decided that it was time to try to break the water. She tried several times (slowly, hoping that she would just start a slow leak so that Annabelle would still be protected) but it wasn't working. As I tried to work through a few more contractions without my water being broken I hit my end. Deb finally broke my water. I don't know if I can describe it well but my stomach literally deflated because I had so much fluid released at this point. Later Deb told me that in her 35 years of being a nurse midwife she had never seen so much fluid. I had severe polyhydramniosis (accessive amniotic fluid) but it was never more prevalant than in those moments when it all came out. I remember distinctly feeling complete despair knowing that my baby was going to be tiny. When I looked down at my belly without the fluid it looked like a woman closer to 4-5 months pregnant than a woman 8 months. I know logically it didn't really matter how large (or tiny) she was, but as a mother I still felt completely terrified that she was going to be so small and fragile. As soon as my water broke I felt the urge to push and Annabelle Lucille was born with one big push.
There were no cries and because her umbilical cord was so short, she was not handed to me immediately. (We needed her cord blood for the Duke study and the nursemidwife needed to make sure it was taken care of properly before cutting her cord.) I remember that Ron immediately broke down at the sight of his beautiful daughter, as did my mom and Heather. I just wanted to hold my baby girl. She did not cry or take a breath during her short life, but her strong heart beat long enough for everyone to meet her, hold her, and for her to be baptized before she passed away.
Before I had Annabelle I was scared of how I would react to how she looked, but when I saw her all I saw were her beautiful tiny little features. As the ultrasounds showed, she had full lips like Lilah and a cute little button nose. She also had the longest little feet and fingers like her daddy. She was absolutely precious and I am so proud to be her mom.
Once I was cleaned up we had everyone come in, and even though it was late Lilah and Danny were able to meet their little sister. We debated whether we should send the kids home to sleep, but I am so glad Ron made the decision to keep them up. Lilah was so happy to meet "baby" and did not leave her side the entire time she was there. Danny knew something was wrong and was a bit more guarded, but he watched her get bathed and held her with daddy. It was such a peaceful time and even though there were tears, I was happy to show off our baby girl. We took tons of photos and at some point I will post them, but I am not ready to share them yet. I know that all I saw was how beautiful our daughter is, but have seen too many people critisize and make fun of anencephaly babies. I do not want to expose my angel to any of that.
Annabelle Lucille Andres was 2 pounds and 9 ounces and 14 1/2 inches long. She was not a candidate for any form of organ or tissue donation, but I feel that her story is a gift that I can share with others. When I held her in my arms I had a sense that she was never meant to stay here on earth with us and that gave me a peace that I cannot explain. I was able to mother her in my womb and for the brief moments she stayed with us, and I know this is what I was meant to do. I miss her with ever fiber of my being, but I know she is in a better place and that I did all I could for her while she was in my care.
There is so much more I want to share but I will continue the story another time.
