Today was a hard day for me.  I feel like time is flying away from me and I cannot enjoy this last bit of time with my Annabelle.  My fluid level is quite high and at this point even walking in a store is making my legs spasm, due to lack of circulation.  I cannot sleep because my ribs ache from the pressure, and I have a difficult time eating and breathing.   I don't want to complain, but I need to let it out.  I have even been considering an earlier induction to relieve the pain.  This kills me inside.  I feel so selfish wanting the pain to stop so much that I would induce early.  I feel like I can protect her for a few more weeks and all I want is this to be over with.  I don't even know how to fully explain what I'm feeling.  I should be able to tolerate the pain and only give my Annabelle love and instead I am concentrating on just getting through the day without breaking down in pain emotionally and physically.  How do I justify ending her life earlier to stop some minor aches and pains???  I know people are telling me that it's ok, that I need to take care of myself as well, that I have done so much already.  But how do I choose my own daughter's date of death?  I am so lost and all I want is an answer to give me peace.
We have also started discussing the funeral and burial...  How do I plan a funeral for my baby?  How do I pick a coffin?  A burial site?  An outfit?  I don't know how I am going to handle putting my own baby in the ground and leaving her there.  My heart aches today and I need prayers. 

Ultrasound

First of all, Happy 5th Anniversary to my wonderful husband!!!  I am proud to be Ron's wife, as he makes me a better wife, mother, and person.  We have been through so much already and have only grown closer.  I am thrilled I found someone so wonderful to spend my life with. :-)

We had our ultrasound this morning and needless to say I didn't sleep well because I was a bundle of nerves.  I was hoping that Danny would do well, and I didn't need to worry.  Although it was difficult to make out a lot of what he was seeing, he specifically asked to see Annabelle's ouchie and proceeded to tell the ultrasound tech that she was ours and he wanted to keep her at our house forever.  He is such a sweetheart and I only hope that we can make her passing as understandable and bearable as possible for him.  When we saw her gorgeous lips and button nose, he just said she's beautiful. It made my heart melt.  I think if he wasn't in the room, I would have completely broken down, but with him there I had the strength to enjoy the ultrasound and only shed a few tears. 
We found out that Annabelle is measuring appx. 29 weeks (I will be 33 weeks tomorrow), so she is tiny and the ultrasound tech could not determine an approximate weight because of her head measurments.  She could only tell us that she was very little and I have a feeling Annabelle won't make it to 6 pounds to qualify for organ/tissue donation.   I also have a lot of extra fluid, which explains why I am so much more uncomfortable at this point than I was with my other pregnancies.  I am measuring at almost 37 weeks and my stomach is so taught the nurse midwife had a difficult time measuring/feeling for Annabelle.  It basically feels like I am constantly having a contraction.  But the most painful is the fact that my uterus is pressing against my ribs and has bruised them at this point.  We discussed having some fluid drained, but it is a temporary solution with risks involved.  At this point it's not something I want to do, but if the fluid keeps building up, it may become a possiblility.  My daughter is beautiful and even though seeing her head was a bit jarring all I could concentrate on was how much her features reminded me of Lilah's.  She truly looks like an angel.  It was an emotional experience, but I am so glad that we got to see her moving around and content.  It makes any discomfort and pain worth it.  I would do anything for any of my children, and Annabelle is no exception. 

I love you little girl!  I am so happy I got to see you today. :-) 

Ultrasound tomorrow...

Well we have the ultrasound tomorrow and I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I cannot wait to see Annabelle's sweet face, but I hope and pray that her defect doesn't take away from her beauty in my eyes, and I hope that Danny isn't scared of what he sees.  I am also nervous about hearing how severe her anencephaly is.  I am scared to hear that it's so severe she probably won't survive the birth and I am scared to hear that she will survive and may live for a while.  Please don't misunderstand.  I would love to be able to have my daughter with us as long as possible, but I know the challenges that come with that are great and the possibility of her suffering are there.  I suppose all I can hope for is that whatever is best for her and us will come.  I will post as soon as I am able about what we find out, and I hope to be able to post some pictures from the ultrasound.  If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers tonight so that tomorrow is a happy and joyful time for all of us.

Lilah and Annabelle...

Typically Ron puts Danny to bed and I put Lilah to sleep.  Tonight was no different except that for some reason after our prayers (we go though thanking God for everyone in the family, naming all names including Annabelle, and the good things we were blessed with during the day), Lilah became quite interested in Annabelle.  She has been pretty much oblivious to the "baby in my belly", so this really caught me by surprise.  She insisted on pulling my shirt up, giving Annabelle kisses and cuddling with my tummy for several minutes.  Annabelle even kicked towards Lilah and when Lilah looked at me curiously I explained that Annabelle was kicking hello.  Lilah proceeded with lightly kicking my belly back, lol.  I don't know how much she understands since she is only 22 months, but these few moments meant the world to me and I want to make sure to remember them, so one day I can tell Lilah all about how she and Annabelle cuddled and kicked their hellos.