2 Month Birthday

Today is Annabelle's 2 month birthday and in a few hours will be her 2 month "angel" birthday...
It feels like ages ago that I delivered Annabelle and was able to hold her in my arms. I remember her sweet little face and the pure joy I felt when she was first laid in my arms. I remember that all my fears vanished for those few short hours, and I was able to just enjoy being her mom. I miss that so much tonight. I miss feeling her movements when I was pregnant with her and I miss being able to see her beautiful feet, hands, belly, face... I miss all of her. My body aches for her and the memories of her that will never exist. I know that she is safe, happy, and perfect but I am still her mommy and want to be able to see for myself that she is cared for. I know this is illogical and possibly even quite silly, but I can't help it. I want to see her and know that she is happy, but I suppose that's where faith and trust come to play.
I came on here thinking I was just going to write briefly about beginning a new job today and didn't realize how much this being Annabelle's 2 month birthday impacted me. I can honestly say that there isn't a moment that I don't have Annabelle in my thoughts, but I am so scared that one day I will forget, even if it's just for a moment, and I do not want that. I want her memory to stay strong and clear. I want to remember how she felt in my womb, and then in my arms, how she looked, her warmth when she was first born.... And I feel that if I let go then I won't be able to do that.
I miss you so much Annabelle. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can hear when I talk to you. I am sending you hugs and kisses on this special day. And I am sending my love.

Continuation...

I finally feel strong enough to continue writing...

Around midnight when our family left the photographer from NILMDTS came and took some beautiful pictures of our Annabelle. It was a quiet and peaceful time when Ron and I could just concentrate on Annabelle and her beauty. After the photographer left I was exhausted and the nurses took Annabelle away for the night so that I could try to get some sleep. Of course sleeping was no easy task, but I was hoping to get a few hours before morning came and I got to see my Annabelle again. Before having Annabelle I think I might have found the whole situation a bit strange, but from reading others' stories I learned that holding and being with the baby even after his/her passing is a helpful step in healing. With this knowledge I requested that Annabelle be brought back to us the next day and Ron and I got to spend several more hours with her. In retrospect I wish that I would have unswaddled my baby girl and studied every part of her more closely but at the time all I kept thinking was how cold she was and how badly I wanted to keep her as warm as possible. I did sneak a peak at her cute belly and bottom but did not want to unwrap her completely.
One of the most difficult moments of this journey (along with finding out Annabelle's diagnosis and the closing of the casket) was when I had to give my daughter to the nurses before my discharge from the hospital. And I think the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I would see her again at the funeral home. Leaving the maternity floor with no baby in hand, no congratulatory gifts, nothing was so painful that it is a blur in my memory. I do know that I was allowed to walk out, which I preferred, and that a kind nurse waited with me in the lobby while Ron went to get the car. I got home and just wanted to sleep. I think that night's sleep was one of the best I had in months, which I thank God for because at that point I was exhausted in every way possible.

The next 2 days were a whirlwind of preparation for the funeral. Nancy recommended a funeral home and because Ron and I have no previous experiences with planning funerals we went with her recommendation. I am so happy with the way Conley Funeral Home handled our situation and most importantly how they cared for our daughter. It is difficult for me to describe the funeral and burial at this point still but will say that everything went perfectly. Ron and I were able to hold Annabelle one last time before closing the casket and we were able to say goodbye in a way that suited us and our family. We had a small viewing, a funeral liturgy at the church, and then said our final goodbyes at the cemetery. I may write more about this in the future but at this point cannot.

As a family, we like to visit Annabelle often and hope to be able to put in a memorial stone soon. Danny and Lilah like to decorate her "place" with sticks, leaves, and flowers and show her different things. I am glad that she is in their memories and I hope that they will always be able to remember their little sister.