Harry's Law

On the show Harry's Law on NBC (I do not watch it myself) yesterday they dealt with a case of a mom who killed her baby.  The baby happened to have anencephaly.  During the show they used several incorrect facts about anencephaly but the most hurtful was the fact that they compared the baby to a houseplant.  I don't care how "brain dead" a person is, they are still a person and it hurt like crazy that they would compare a baby like Annabelle to something so inconsequential.  Annabelle was a life of her own and all babies with anencephaly deserve as much respect and dignity as any other person.  Even before Annabelle I wouldn't even think a comparison like this would be ok.  It hurts me that people can be so callous and cruel.

I am sitting here hoping that writing will help the ache in my heart.  Today in the car Danny started asking questions about Annabelle and it took everything not to completely break down.  He wanted to know if his sister will grow big and strong in heaven and if she will have room in the box shes in.  He wanted to know why she had a big ouchie and why she had to go to heaven.  He wanted to know if she will always be his sister.  Today I just want to wake up from this dream and turn over to see Annabelle sleeping in her little bassinet.  But I can't because she never will.  My tears are running down my face but they will never be able to fill the void in my arms and in my heart.  Oh how much I miss the little girl I only got to see for moments.  I miss what she was and what she will never be.  I just want 5 minutes to hold her again.  Dear God please give me strength.  I feel so weak.

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

 MYTH: A parent who has lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with their life. TRUTH: In the words of Elizabeth Edwards, "If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and...THAT is a great gift."

Please take a moment to remember all the babies that have left this earth too soon.  Many families will be lighting a candle at 7 PM tonight (including us), and it would mean the world to us if you light one for Annabelle and all the babies who are with her.

I am ready to share some pictures of our little girl...

2 Month Birthday

Today is Annabelle's 2 month birthday and in a few hours will be her 2 month "angel" birthday...
It feels like ages ago that I delivered Annabelle and was able to hold her in my arms. I remember her sweet little face and the pure joy I felt when she was first laid in my arms. I remember that all my fears vanished for those few short hours, and I was able to just enjoy being her mom. I miss that so much tonight. I miss feeling her movements when I was pregnant with her and I miss being able to see her beautiful feet, hands, belly, face... I miss all of her. My body aches for her and the memories of her that will never exist. I know that she is safe, happy, and perfect but I am still her mommy and want to be able to see for myself that she is cared for. I know this is illogical and possibly even quite silly, but I can't help it. I want to see her and know that she is happy, but I suppose that's where faith and trust come to play.
I came on here thinking I was just going to write briefly about beginning a new job today and didn't realize how much this being Annabelle's 2 month birthday impacted me. I can honestly say that there isn't a moment that I don't have Annabelle in my thoughts, but I am so scared that one day I will forget, even if it's just for a moment, and I do not want that. I want her memory to stay strong and clear. I want to remember how she felt in my womb, and then in my arms, how she looked, her warmth when she was first born.... And I feel that if I let go then I won't be able to do that.
I miss you so much Annabelle. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can hear when I talk to you. I am sending you hugs and kisses on this special day. And I am sending my love.

Continuation...

I finally feel strong enough to continue writing...

Around midnight when our family left the photographer from NILMDTS came and took some beautiful pictures of our Annabelle. It was a quiet and peaceful time when Ron and I could just concentrate on Annabelle and her beauty. After the photographer left I was exhausted and the nurses took Annabelle away for the night so that I could try to get some sleep. Of course sleeping was no easy task, but I was hoping to get a few hours before morning came and I got to see my Annabelle again. Before having Annabelle I think I might have found the whole situation a bit strange, but from reading others' stories I learned that holding and being with the baby even after his/her passing is a helpful step in healing. With this knowledge I requested that Annabelle be brought back to us the next day and Ron and I got to spend several more hours with her. In retrospect I wish that I would have unswaddled my baby girl and studied every part of her more closely but at the time all I kept thinking was how cold she was and how badly I wanted to keep her as warm as possible. I did sneak a peak at her cute belly and bottom but did not want to unwrap her completely.
One of the most difficult moments of this journey (along with finding out Annabelle's diagnosis and the closing of the casket) was when I had to give my daughter to the nurses before my discharge from the hospital. And I think the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I would see her again at the funeral home. Leaving the maternity floor with no baby in hand, no congratulatory gifts, nothing was so painful that it is a blur in my memory. I do know that I was allowed to walk out, which I preferred, and that a kind nurse waited with me in the lobby while Ron went to get the car. I got home and just wanted to sleep. I think that night's sleep was one of the best I had in months, which I thank God for because at that point I was exhausted in every way possible.

The next 2 days were a whirlwind of preparation for the funeral. Nancy recommended a funeral home and because Ron and I have no previous experiences with planning funerals we went with her recommendation. I am so happy with the way Conley Funeral Home handled our situation and most importantly how they cared for our daughter. It is difficult for me to describe the funeral and burial at this point still but will say that everything went perfectly. Ron and I were able to hold Annabelle one last time before closing the casket and we were able to say goodbye in a way that suited us and our family. We had a small viewing, a funeral liturgy at the church, and then said our final goodbyes at the cemetery. I may write more about this in the future but at this point cannot.

As a family, we like to visit Annabelle often and hope to be able to put in a memorial stone soon. Danny and Lilah like to decorate her "place" with sticks, leaves, and flowers and show her different things. I am glad that she is in their memories and I hope that they will always be able to remember their little sister.

Labor and Delivery

Annabelle Lucille was born on July 19th at 10:39 pm and joined the angels July 20th at 12:02 am.  I have been wanting to post on here, but every time I would think of it I wouldn't be able to sit down and actually type out the words.  I think there is a sort of finality putting everything down and I just wasn't ready for that until now.

I am going to begin with July the 18th when we met one of the most wonderful people I have had the grace of meeting.  We had an appointment with Nancy (an RN at Mercy that works with special cases like ours) and were able to discuss exactly what we did and did not want when we had Annabelle.  Nancy was able to give us some much needed advice and also some wonderful suggestions as we discussed the details.  She also told us that she would try to be there for labor and delivery. 
The next day (at 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant) I went into labor.  I was feeling pressure come and go that morning, but at that point I thought it was just more pain from all the fluid I was carrying.  Because of our appointment with Nancy the day before (and we had a 3D ultrasound appointment the 19th) my kids were with my parents.  Ron had his last tutoring appointment at 11 that afternoon and left around 10:30.  At that point I really started to feel the pain and noticed that it was coming and going every few minutes.  I think I knew then that Annabelle was coming but wasn't ready to admit it.  I decided to take a shower and get ready for the day.  At that point I couldn't avoid the contractions any longer, I called my mom and she told me to sit down and start keeping track of how far apart the pain was coming.  When I noticed they were coming 3-5 minutes apart, I called my nurse midwife's office.  They told me to come in immediately and when I got off the phone with them I just let go and bawled.  I always had a feeling that Annabelle was going to come early, but I just wasn't ready to let go yet!  I texted Ron and when he came home we left for the office.  From the office I was sent right to L&D and knew there was no turning back. 
I was blessed to have Nancy come in on her day off to be our nurse, and she stayed with us the entire day and through the night.  I also had Deb (my nurse midwife) and Wendy (training to become a nurse midwife) there.  I texted Heather in a panic once I made it to the hospital because even though I had some things ready for Annabelle I wasn't fully prepared.  Heather went out and bought Annabelle some onesies and the outfit that she would wear once she was born.  I am so greatful to have such a wondeful friend and am happy to say that Heather came and was a part of Annabelle's birth.  I also had my mother in the room with me, while the rest of the family was given the room next door to wait and meet our beautiful angel. 
I believe that I was given extra strength during the labor because even though it was awful pain, I felt more in control than I did with my other two.  I was progressing quickly and was at 9 cm by 6:30 pm.  I felt the urge to push and thought that she was on her way.  I started to push and suddenly the contractions started to slow and the urge to push was gone.  I was extremely frustrated and I think that the labor slowed because my water wouldn't break.  Normally the nursemidwife would have broken my water at this point, but I ready that the water keeps an anencephaly baby's head protected and I did not want it broken unless absolutely necessary.  After an hour or so of contractions slowing down I was given pitocin to try to get a better rhythm again.  Since I was going through all this naturally at approximately ten I was exhausted, frustrated, and having a difficult time dealing with the pain.  Deb finally decided that it was time to try to break the water.  She tried several times (slowly, hoping that she would just start a slow leak so that Annabelle would still be protected) but it wasn't working.  As I tried to work through a few more contractions without my water being broken I hit my end.  Deb finally broke my water.  I don't know if I can describe it well but my stomach literally deflated because I had so much fluid released at this point.  Later Deb told me that in her 35 years of being a nurse midwife she had never seen so much fluid.  I had severe polyhydramniosis (accessive amniotic fluid) but it was never more prevalant than in those moments when it all came out.  I remember distinctly feeling complete despair knowing that my baby was going to be tiny.  When I looked down at my belly without the fluid it looked like a woman closer to 4-5 months pregnant than a woman 8 months.  I know logically it didn't really matter how large (or tiny) she was, but as a mother I still felt completely terrified that she was going to be so small and fragile.  As soon as my water broke I felt the urge to push and Annabelle Lucille was born with one big push. 
There were no cries and because her umbilical cord was so short, she was not handed to me immediately. (We needed her cord blood for the Duke study and the nursemidwife needed to make sure it was taken care of properly before cutting her cord.)  I remember that Ron immediately broke down at the sight of his beautiful daughter, as did my mom and Heather.  I just wanted to hold my baby girl.  She did not cry or take a breath during her short life, but her strong heart beat long enough for everyone to meet her, hold her, and for her to be baptized before she passed away. 
Before I had Annabelle I was scared of how I would react to how she looked, but when I saw her all I saw were her beautiful tiny little features.  As the ultrasounds showed, she had full lips like Lilah and a cute little button nose.  She also had the longest little feet and fingers like her daddy.  She was absolutely precious and I am so proud to be her mom.
Once I was cleaned up we had everyone come in, and even though it was late Lilah and Danny were able to meet their little sister.  We debated whether we should send the kids home to sleep, but I am so glad Ron made the decision to keep them up.  Lilah was so happy to meet "baby" and did not leave her side the entire time she was there.  Danny knew something was wrong and was a bit more guarded, but he watched her get bathed and held her with daddy.  It was such a peaceful time and even though there were tears, I was happy to show off our baby girl.  We took tons of photos and at some point I will post them, but I am not ready to share them yet.  I know that all I saw was how beautiful our daughter is, but have seen too many people critisize and make fun of anencephaly babies.  I do not want to expose my angel to any of that.
Annabelle Lucille Andres was 2 pounds and 9 ounces and 14 1/2 inches long. She was not a candidate for any form of organ or tissue donation, but I feel that her story is a gift that I can share with others.  When I held her in my arms I had a sense that she was never meant to stay here on earth with us and that gave me a peace that I cannot explain.  I was able to mother her in my womb and for the brief moments she stayed with us, and I know this is what I was meant to do.  I miss her with ever fiber of my being, but I know she is in a better place and that I did all I could for her while she was in my care.

There is so much more I want to share but I will continue the story another time. 

Today was a hard day for me.  I feel like time is flying away from me and I cannot enjoy this last bit of time with my Annabelle.  My fluid level is quite high and at this point even walking in a store is making my legs spasm, due to lack of circulation.  I cannot sleep because my ribs ache from the pressure, and I have a difficult time eating and breathing.   I don't want to complain, but I need to let it out.  I have even been considering an earlier induction to relieve the pain.  This kills me inside.  I feel so selfish wanting the pain to stop so much that I would induce early.  I feel like I can protect her for a few more weeks and all I want is this to be over with.  I don't even know how to fully explain what I'm feeling.  I should be able to tolerate the pain and only give my Annabelle love and instead I am concentrating on just getting through the day without breaking down in pain emotionally and physically.  How do I justify ending her life earlier to stop some minor aches and pains???  I know people are telling me that it's ok, that I need to take care of myself as well, that I have done so much already.  But how do I choose my own daughter's date of death?  I am so lost and all I want is an answer to give me peace.
We have also started discussing the funeral and burial...  How do I plan a funeral for my baby?  How do I pick a coffin?  A burial site?  An outfit?  I don't know how I am going to handle putting my own baby in the ground and leaving her there.  My heart aches today and I need prayers. 

Ultrasound

First of all, Happy 5th Anniversary to my wonderful husband!!!  I am proud to be Ron's wife, as he makes me a better wife, mother, and person.  We have been through so much already and have only grown closer.  I am thrilled I found someone so wonderful to spend my life with. :-)

We had our ultrasound this morning and needless to say I didn't sleep well because I was a bundle of nerves.  I was hoping that Danny would do well, and I didn't need to worry.  Although it was difficult to make out a lot of what he was seeing, he specifically asked to see Annabelle's ouchie and proceeded to tell the ultrasound tech that she was ours and he wanted to keep her at our house forever.  He is such a sweetheart and I only hope that we can make her passing as understandable and bearable as possible for him.  When we saw her gorgeous lips and button nose, he just said she's beautiful. It made my heart melt.  I think if he wasn't in the room, I would have completely broken down, but with him there I had the strength to enjoy the ultrasound and only shed a few tears. 
We found out that Annabelle is measuring appx. 29 weeks (I will be 33 weeks tomorrow), so she is tiny and the ultrasound tech could not determine an approximate weight because of her head measurments.  She could only tell us that she was very little and I have a feeling Annabelle won't make it to 6 pounds to qualify for organ/tissue donation.   I also have a lot of extra fluid, which explains why I am so much more uncomfortable at this point than I was with my other pregnancies.  I am measuring at almost 37 weeks and my stomach is so taught the nurse midwife had a difficult time measuring/feeling for Annabelle.  It basically feels like I am constantly having a contraction.  But the most painful is the fact that my uterus is pressing against my ribs and has bruised them at this point.  We discussed having some fluid drained, but it is a temporary solution with risks involved.  At this point it's not something I want to do, but if the fluid keeps building up, it may become a possiblility.  My daughter is beautiful and even though seeing her head was a bit jarring all I could concentrate on was how much her features reminded me of Lilah's.  She truly looks like an angel.  It was an emotional experience, but I am so glad that we got to see her moving around and content.  It makes any discomfort and pain worth it.  I would do anything for any of my children, and Annabelle is no exception. 

I love you little girl!  I am so happy I got to see you today. :-) 

Ultrasound tomorrow...

Well we have the ultrasound tomorrow and I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I cannot wait to see Annabelle's sweet face, but I hope and pray that her defect doesn't take away from her beauty in my eyes, and I hope that Danny isn't scared of what he sees.  I am also nervous about hearing how severe her anencephaly is.  I am scared to hear that it's so severe she probably won't survive the birth and I am scared to hear that she will survive and may live for a while.  Please don't misunderstand.  I would love to be able to have my daughter with us as long as possible, but I know the challenges that come with that are great and the possibility of her suffering are there.  I suppose all I can hope for is that whatever is best for her and us will come.  I will post as soon as I am able about what we find out, and I hope to be able to post some pictures from the ultrasound.  If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers tonight so that tomorrow is a happy and joyful time for all of us.

Lilah and Annabelle...

Typically Ron puts Danny to bed and I put Lilah to sleep.  Tonight was no different except that for some reason after our prayers (we go though thanking God for everyone in the family, naming all names including Annabelle, and the good things we were blessed with during the day), Lilah became quite interested in Annabelle.  She has been pretty much oblivious to the "baby in my belly", so this really caught me by surprise.  She insisted on pulling my shirt up, giving Annabelle kisses and cuddling with my tummy for several minutes.  Annabelle even kicked towards Lilah and when Lilah looked at me curiously I explained that Annabelle was kicking hello.  Lilah proceeded with lightly kicking my belly back, lol.  I don't know how much she understands since she is only 22 months, but these few moments meant the world to me and I want to make sure to remember them, so one day I can tell Lilah all about how she and Annabelle cuddled and kicked their hellos.

My weekend...

This weekend was wonderful.  Not because of anything extraordinary, but because I was able to spend it with family.  We were able to enjoy the great weather and just relax and celebrate my birthday.  Ron even got me tickets to see Cirque du Soleil this Thursday in Chicago, which I cannot wait for!  I have been wanting to see them live for years.  We are planning on hanging around downtown for the day and are having my family watch the kids.  It is a much needed date day and I just hope the weather cooperates.
I have been having a difficult time breathing and walking around and feel like I have definitely gotten bigger.  I am interested to see how I measure when I go back to the nurse midwife on the 7th.  I read somewhere that if a woman gets accessive fluid, it really starts to build up after the 30th week.  I am currently 31 1/2 weeks pregnant.  Annabelle is getting more active than ever and has definitely made me rethink my former opinion of her being my weakest child in-utero.  So even though I am not comfortable I am loving the feeling of having a little gymnist in me.  It's like she knows she needs to live it up while she can.  My lovely little Annabelle. 
Lately I have been thinking about how she would fit into our family and what sort of impact she will have once she arrives and I just can't picture any of it.  Will she have darker features like Danny or the shocking light features of Lilah?  Danny told me he cannot wait to see her and we have decided to take him to the ultrasound with us.  He's extremely excited to see, as he puts it, his Annabelle baby.  I will have my mom there in case he needs to leave or has had enough but I am interested to see what he thinks of her.  He knows she has a big ouchie on her head that cannot be fixed or healed and is too big for her to live with, but with his innocence I wonder if it will scare him or just make him curious when he sees her on the ultrasound missing so much.
Less than 9 weeks to go and it feels like time is flying by.  I want to pause time and box it up somehow so that I can go back to this in the future.  As difficult as this journey is, it is full of love and warmth and happiness, and I have been able to watch and appreciate my life and family more than I ever had.  I believe that Ron not finding a job this summer is a much needed blessing in disguise, and even though it's not easy financially- I believe it is more than worth it with all the family moments we have shared already.  It's the small things that I love and am glad this summer so far has been filled with wonderful small moments.

What I found during my research...

Today as I continued to look for some information regarding infant tissue and organ donation I stumbled upon a definition of Organ Donation Laws and was extremely upset about what it wrote... I believe that this definition was written approx. 5-10 years ago and opinions may have changed, but at that point there were numerous people who believe the following statement.

"Proponents contend that, because these infants are never conscious, they do not meet the most minimal criteria for becoming a person." West's Encyclopedia of American Law, edition 2

Enough people believed this that they passed a law that organs and tissue could be harvested while anencephalic babies still had a heartbeat and could be deemed "living". It horrifies me that first of all these poor helpless babies could be considered non-human as well as the fact that it would seem ok to harvest from them while they maintained basic human reflexes (breathing, heart beating, etc...) . I have not had the honor of meeting Annabelle yet and do not know how severe her anencephaly is, but from support groups I am on I know that mothers have seen their babies react to external stimuli, some could even eat on their own, and many wail as if in pain at times.

I cannot imagine for one moment that the little being moving, kicking, and squiggling inside me is not human. She has her own heartbeat, her own daily schedule of sleeping and wakefulness, and when we saw her on ultrasound she had the most beautiful features. I have read that in earlier medical books babies with this diagnosis were termed as "monsters", but I know that is the exact opposite of the truth. These babies are pure and innocent and will remain that their entire lives. Annabelle has given me a chance to love her in a way I thought was impossible, and I know others have already been touched by her brief life. I pray that these little ones will be treated with dignity and love, and hope mothers in my position are able to get as much support as I have.

Research Study

We are participating in an anecephaly research study being conducted by Duke University.  They are researching to see if they can find any biological or environmental factors that may contribute to babies getting anencephaly.  I am excited to be participating, because even though it won't help Annabelle it can potentially help babies in the future.  We have to give blood samples as well as cord blood at the time of Annabelle's birth and will be providing background medical information.  I only wish that this study was more known in the medical community.  They are looking for 10,000 cases and only have a few hundred.  I found out through a mom who had a baby with anen but would never have known otherwise.  It is actually a study for all Neural Tube Defects (NTD) including Spina Bifida... and there are thousands of cases out there.   

Today...

Today started off wonderfully.  It was beautiful weather and Ron and I decided to take our kids to Prairie Fest (a local town festival).  We all had a blast!   We were able to take the kids into the petting zoo, watch a children's musician, a magician, and we even bought a couple of fun treats- ice cream and cheese fries- who could ask for more, lol.  We came home and the kids got quiet time and nap time (and I decided to lie down too).  When I woke up I was in a completely different mood.  I felt upset, lost, angry, tired, and just extremely down.  I hate the fact that my entire mood can change in an instant and that once I get upset it's extremely difficult to snap out of it.  I love being able to enjoy my time with my family and this afternoon it took everything I had just to keep from snapping at one of the kids.  They weren't doing anything wrong, I was just done.  It makes me feel awful inside.  As I mentioned before, I have also been extremely aware that my due date is quickly approaching.  In the past I was able to push aside some of these feelings,  but they won't let me go anymore.   I just want to scream to people who look at me- this is my baby inside of me and she is going to die!  I want the whole world to know, so they can know her and mourn her like I do.  I want everyone to be sad with me, because Annabelle is important enough for the whole world to take a break and shed a tear.   But I know it's not how it works and I am being selfish, but I can't help it.  As any parent knows- when having kids, you want to share everything with the world.  Usually it's a beautiful phenomenon, but not in this situation.  I just hurt inside.

Routine Appointment

I had my routine appointment with the nurse midwife and everything is looking as good as it possibly can.  I am measuring a bit larger and can feel that I am stretching faster than I did with my previous pregnancies but am glad that Annabelle has become much more active and her heartbeat sounds beautiful!  Ron and I were able to find a study that Duke University is conducting, trying to find causes for anencephaly and I am glad that we will be able to participate.  It will in no way help our little one, but if it can help in any way to find some link for babies in the future, it will be more than worthwhile.  We are also trying to find information on tissue and organ donation and both the nursemidwife and I are having a difficult time finding anything.  I know through other mothers that states usually have a weight requirement as well as some other requirements and I am just hoping that if Annabelle is a potential donor, we will be able to find the information to help other babies in need.  Even in her short life she can help others and I am praying we find answers soon. 

On another note, I went shopping with Heather yesterday to look for preemie clothes in case Annabelle comes earlier than expected.  I am happy to say I was able to find a couple of outfits that will work, but even though I think they are adorable- I just don't feel like they are special enough for her.  I am pretty certain that nothing will feel "good enough" but I am still looking...

Wedding Weekend

This past weekend my cousin got married and we travelled to Columbus, IN for the occasion. It was a very bittersweet weekend for me. I am extremely happy for my cousin and enjoyed seeing most of my mom's side of the family together, but it was emotional for me as well. My uncle (the bride's father) was able to arrange for my family to get a professional picture taken, and I will forever be grateful for that. I am so glad I got a professional picture of my immediate family, but it hit me that this could be the only picture I have (taken professionally) with Annabelle alive and kicking. I had to find a corner and just let go for a few minutes, but was able to compose myself and enjoy watching my kids have a blast on the dance floor. I'm now 29 weeks along (30 weeks on Friday) and am extremely aware that even if Annabelle goes full term my time with her is running out. The due date is no longer some distant idea, it's becoming more concrete in my mind and it's breaking my heart. I am looking forward to meeting my angel, but am terrified of having to let her go.

 

My dress...

Last night I got to go shopping with Heather (no kids!) and it was just nice and destressing to get out.  I was looking for clothes for Danny to wear at the wedding coming up this weekend, but happened to see a dress for myself instead.  I was planning on just wearing an older one that I own, but this one begged me to try it on.  I left the store at first but came back after looking around at other things.  So I tried it on and bought it.  It may not sound like a big deal but it is pretty much my first clothing purchase this pregnancy and it made me very happy to have something new to show my Annabelle bump in!  She deserves a new dress and I am hoping to get some nice family pictures at the wedding. We don't get many family picture opportunities and I would like as many as possible to remember Annabelle's short life. 

Today is an absolutely gorgeous day outside, and I am glad we were all able to go out and enjoy it.  As I sat and watched the kids playing, I thought about how I would never see my Annabelle play like that. But for some reason I had a peace come over me and I knew she would be happier than possible on Earth up in Heaven.  And she will be able to keep an eye on her big brother and big sister from there. 
Annabelle is actually getting stronger every day.  I think she is setting out to prove me wrong, when I told everyone how weak she feels to me compared to her siblings.  I think she sits higher than my other 2 and her foot is constantly in my ribs. Even though it hurts, it's almost a nice constant reminder than she is quite alive and kicking! :-) 

Saturday was a hard day... For some reason I have been getting increasingly angry and I hit my melting point Saturday night at my parents' house.  I was just so angry at the situation.  That I have no choice but to let my baby girl go.  That everyone else can push the pain aside, when I can't.  That people ignore the fact that I am pregnant when all I want to do is talk about my little Annabelle.  I was angry about things I shouldn't be angry about and things I probably have reason for.  But I hate being angry, especially about a situation that includes someone as special as my angel girl.  I don't want to be angry anymore... I just want to let that feeling go.  I know I will still be sad and hurt and even frustrated at times, but I am asking for peace from the anger.
Please God, help me stay away from anger.  I don't want my daughter to have to know what anger feels like.  I want her only to feel love and comfort from her mother.  She has much too short of a life to have negative feelings affect her. 

Appointment Today

We had a checkup appointment today with Deb (our wonderful nurse midwife) and Annabelle has a very strong heartbeat (between 140's-150's).  I am measuring larger, which is pointing to my having access fluid already.  I am measuring at 28-28 1/2 weeks and am 26 weeks now.  I never measured larger with my other kids.  We will have an ultrasound at 32 weeks to see how Annabelle herself is measuring, what the fluid levels are, and to see how severe the anencephaly is.  I am looking forward to this, but also nervous about hearing how severe she is.  We also spoke about different hospitals, organ/tissue donation, and other concerns regarding the birth.  At this point I was pretty happy with how the appointment went but am a bit nervous about measuring large already.  This only means that I will get larger sooner and have a possibilitly of getting pretty uncomfortable in the next several weeks.  One perk is that I don't have to do the regular glucose test and will be having an improvised 2 hour blood test done.  Which means, I need to eat a regular breakfast and 2 hours later get a blood draw.  No icky drink for me. :-)  I also have to get my rhogam shot next appointment... 
  

Last Night...

Last night in bed I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling that Annabelle isn't going to make it full term.  It's a feeling that has slowly been creeping up on me, but last night it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe I'm worrying about it too much, but it's a mother's intuition and I just can't let it go. 
Baby girl, I hope you enjoyed our walk in the forest preserve yesterday evening.  Just you, me, and daddy.  We loved seeing the deer and just being out in the peacefulness.  As long as you are with me I will cherish our time together.  And I hope we still have some time...  For some reason I feel like our time together is coming to an end, and I want you to know that I will miss you with all my heart.  A piece of me will go to heaven with you...

Tummy Tickles

I know that my little Annabelle doesn't move as much as my other two kids did in utero, but sometimes when she does she moves in a way that feels like she is trying to tickle me from the inside. :-)  The first time this happened, I literally laughed out loud and every time since it puts a huge smile on my face.  I love you little one.  Even now you know how to make me happy.

Walks...

It never ceases to amaze me how theraputic a long walk on a beautiful night can be.  These past two nights I have been able to go for a walk after putting Lilah to sleep, and I hope I can continue walking for as long as possible this pregnancy.  I am able to clear my mind and just enjoy my time with Annabelle. Enjoy being pregnant, and that is not something I can do much without worrying or thinking about the future.  I hope to be able to remember these walks as my special time with my little one.  I love you Annabelle, and I hope you can feel that during our time together.

Thanks...

Today I just want to thank everyone who has been so supportive these past few weeks.  I don't know if I will ever post this for public viewing, but I feel it necessary to write down how much it means to us what everyone has done.
First thank you to everyone at YGS who helped us with food, cards, and words of support.  I especially want to thank Kristen for continuing with bringing us dinner once a week.  It helps more than you can know to have a day during the week when I don't have to worry about feeding the family and can just take the time to mentally "let go" for a bit.  I didn't think making meals, doing laundry, and keeping up the house would be so difficult during this time- and I am just so mentally and physically drained that these basics just get put aside.
Thank you to Heather for always being there for me and letting me vent 24/7 if necessary.  Thank you for letting me totally break down, and thank you for going out with me to try and relax even for just a bit.  Your friendship means the world to me and even though our pregnancies didn't end up the way they were supposed to I am still glad I got to share with you and can't wait to meet Colton! :-)
Thank you to all my family for the support and love.  I know you are also having to grieve and I thank you for being supportive of our family in so many different ways.  I know that when Annabelle comes, because of you she will only know love and compassion.  And for that I will always be grateful.
And thank you to the countless others out there who are praying for us and thinking of us during this time.  I am proud of my daughter and I want everyone to know that she is part of our family and will always be our grandaughter, daughter, sister, and niece.  The more people that know about her, the more that can love her. 

I have one other thank you that I want to post.  I was on a forum a few days ago asking where to purchase a nice preemie hat (since I'm not sure what size Annabelle will need)  and a wonderful stranger, Sara, has offered to make several hats in different sizes so that something will fit her perfectly when she comes.  This gift is truly touching and I will never forget that a complete stranger reached out to help my precious Annabelle.

May 18th

A few weeks ago Ron and I went for our routine 20 week ultrasound, where we found out that our little girl has anencephaly (a neural tube defect where she is developing with little or no brain/skull top).  This is a terminal illness and if she survives to term and through birth we would have very little time with her.  We were given the option to end the pregnancy, but from the second I heard of her condition I knew that wouldn't be an option for us.  She is our baby girl and we will protect and love her for as long as she is with us.  I am able to enjoy feeling her movemements knowing that she is happily growing inside of me, in no pain. 
I am starting this blog to help me through this journey and to be able to remember some of the sweet moments that have come from such difficult news.  I'm guessing it won't all be pleasant but I want to document what I can....

We told Danny (our 4 year old son) and Lilah (our 19 month daughter) about Annabelle on Good Friday.  I remember clearly hoping that Danny would understand, but he asked a couple of questions and the conversation was over.  After speaking to the doctor and a few other people, we decided to let him lead the conversations and if he wanted to talk about things again we would address his issues. 
Over a month went by and yesterday morning all of a sudden Danny came into our bed and told us that he was going to visit Annabelle in heaven by building a rocketship.  We had to explain to him that he wouldn't be able to go visit her, and he was extremely upset.  This in turn broke my heart.  Later on he asked if he could come to our next appointment (he went to a few before we heard the news) and when I asked him why, he told me he wanted to dance to her heartbeat...  At past appointments he would dance to it, and until he mentioned it yesterday I completely forgot about this. 
Today he decided to tickle my belly saying that it would make Annabelle's head feel better.  He asked if I could feel her smiling because he knew she was happy. :-)  He's such a good big brother to her already.  But as he continued to "tickle" Annabelle he asked how she would get to Jesus.  I tried explaining that her body will stay on earth and that her spirit would go to heaven, but I know that it was too much for him to understand.  He began to cry that he wants her to stay with us so that he can watch her grow up.  The most difficult part of this journey for me is that my son (and daughter who is blessedly unaware at her young age)  have to lose their baby sister and there is nothing I can do to protect them from that hurt. 
I know I wrote a lot in a messy manner but I wanted to get my thoughts down for now.