Friday, December 9, 2011
Harry's Law
On the show Harry's Law on NBC (I do not watch it myself) yesterday they dealt with a case of a mom who killed her baby. The baby happened to have anencephaly. During the show they used several incorrect facts about anencephaly but the most hurtful was the fact that they compared the baby to a houseplant. I don't care how "brain dead" a person is, they are still a person and it hurt like crazy that they would compare a baby like Annabelle to something so inconsequential. Annabelle was a life of her own and all babies with anencephaly deserve as much respect and dignity as any other person. Even before Annabelle I wouldn't even think a comparison like this would be ok. It hurts me that people can be so callous and cruel.
Friday, October 28, 2011
I am sitting here hoping that writing will help the ache in my heart. Today in the car Danny started asking questions about Annabelle and it took everything not to completely break down. He wanted to know if his sister will grow big and strong in heaven and if she will have room in the box shes in. He wanted to know why she had a big ouchie and why she had to go to heaven. He wanted to know if she will always be his sister. Today I just want to wake up from this dream and turn over to see Annabelle sleeping in her little bassinet. But I can't because she never will. My tears are running down my face but they will never be able to fill the void in my arms and in my heart. Oh how much I miss the little girl I only got to see for moments. I miss what she was and what she will never be. I just want 5 minutes to hold her again. Dear God please give me strength. I feel so weak.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
MYTH: A parent who has lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with their life. TRUTH: In the words of Elizabeth Edwards, "If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and...THAT is a great gift."
Please take a moment to remember all the babies that have left this earth too soon. Many families will be lighting a candle at 7 PM tonight (including us), and it would mean the world to us if you light one for Annabelle and all the babies who are with her.
I am ready to share some pictures of our little girl...
Monday, September 19, 2011
2 Month Birthday
Today is Annabelle's 2 month birthday and in a few hours will be her 2 month "angel" birthday...
It feels like ages ago that I delivered Annabelle and was able to hold her in my arms. I remember her sweet little face and the pure joy I felt when she was first laid in my arms. I remember that all my fears vanished for those few short hours, and I was able to just enjoy being her mom. I miss that so much tonight. I miss feeling her movements when I was pregnant with her and I miss being able to see her beautiful feet, hands, belly, face... I miss all of her. My body aches for her and the memories of her that will never exist. I know that she is safe, happy, and perfect but I am still her mommy and want to be able to see for myself that she is cared for. I know this is illogical and possibly even quite silly, but I can't help it. I want to see her and know that she is happy, but I suppose that's where faith and trust come to play.
I came on here thinking I was just going to write briefly about beginning a new job today and didn't realize how much this being Annabelle's 2 month birthday impacted me. I can honestly say that there isn't a moment that I don't have Annabelle in my thoughts, but I am so scared that one day I will forget, even if it's just for a moment, and I do not want that. I want her memory to stay strong and clear. I want to remember how she felt in my womb, and then in my arms, how she looked, her warmth when she was first born.... And I feel that if I let go then I won't be able to do that.
I miss you so much Annabelle. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can hear when I talk to you. I am sending you hugs and kisses on this special day. And I am sending my love.
It feels like ages ago that I delivered Annabelle and was able to hold her in my arms. I remember her sweet little face and the pure joy I felt when she was first laid in my arms. I remember that all my fears vanished for those few short hours, and I was able to just enjoy being her mom. I miss that so much tonight. I miss feeling her movements when I was pregnant with her and I miss being able to see her beautiful feet, hands, belly, face... I miss all of her. My body aches for her and the memories of her that will never exist. I know that she is safe, happy, and perfect but I am still her mommy and want to be able to see for myself that she is cared for. I know this is illogical and possibly even quite silly, but I can't help it. I want to see her and know that she is happy, but I suppose that's where faith and trust come to play.
I came on here thinking I was just going to write briefly about beginning a new job today and didn't realize how much this being Annabelle's 2 month birthday impacted me. I can honestly say that there isn't a moment that I don't have Annabelle in my thoughts, but I am so scared that one day I will forget, even if it's just for a moment, and I do not want that. I want her memory to stay strong and clear. I want to remember how she felt in my womb, and then in my arms, how she looked, her warmth when she was first born.... And I feel that if I let go then I won't be able to do that.
I miss you so much Annabelle. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can hear when I talk to you. I am sending you hugs and kisses on this special day. And I am sending my love.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Continuation...
I finally feel strong enough to continue writing...
Around midnight when our family left the photographer from NILMDTS came and took some beautiful pictures of our Annabelle. It was a quiet and peaceful time when Ron and I could just concentrate on Annabelle and her beauty. After the photographer left I was exhausted and the nurses took Annabelle away for the night so that I could try to get some sleep. Of course sleeping was no easy task, but I was hoping to get a few hours before morning came and I got to see my Annabelle again. Before having Annabelle I think I might have found the whole situation a bit strange, but from reading others' stories I learned that holding and being with the baby even after his/her passing is a helpful step in healing. With this knowledge I requested that Annabelle be brought back to us the next day and Ron and I got to spend several more hours with her. In retrospect I wish that I would have unswaddled my baby girl and studied every part of her more closely but at the time all I kept thinking was how cold she was and how badly I wanted to keep her as warm as possible. I did sneak a peak at her cute belly and bottom but did not want to unwrap her completely.
One of the most difficult moments of this journey (along with finding out Annabelle's diagnosis and the closing of the casket) was when I had to give my daughter to the nurses before my discharge from the hospital. And I think the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I would see her again at the funeral home. Leaving the maternity floor with no baby in hand, no congratulatory gifts, nothing was so painful that it is a blur in my memory. I do know that I was allowed to walk out, which I preferred, and that a kind nurse waited with me in the lobby while Ron went to get the car. I got home and just wanted to sleep. I think that night's sleep was one of the best I had in months, which I thank God for because at that point I was exhausted in every way possible.
The next 2 days were a whirlwind of preparation for the funeral. Nancy recommended a funeral home and because Ron and I have no previous experiences with planning funerals we went with her recommendation. I am so happy with the way Conley Funeral Home handled our situation and most importantly how they cared for our daughter. It is difficult for me to describe the funeral and burial at this point still but will say that everything went perfectly. Ron and I were able to hold Annabelle one last time before closing the casket and we were able to say goodbye in a way that suited us and our family. We had a small viewing, a funeral liturgy at the church, and then said our final goodbyes at the cemetery. I may write more about this in the future but at this point cannot.
As a family, we like to visit Annabelle often and hope to be able to put in a memorial stone soon. Danny and Lilah like to decorate her "place" with sticks, leaves, and flowers and show her different things. I am glad that she is in their memories and I hope that they will always be able to remember their little sister.
Around midnight when our family left the photographer from NILMDTS came and took some beautiful pictures of our Annabelle. It was a quiet and peaceful time when Ron and I could just concentrate on Annabelle and her beauty. After the photographer left I was exhausted and the nurses took Annabelle away for the night so that I could try to get some sleep. Of course sleeping was no easy task, but I was hoping to get a few hours before morning came and I got to see my Annabelle again. Before having Annabelle I think I might have found the whole situation a bit strange, but from reading others' stories I learned that holding and being with the baby even after his/her passing is a helpful step in healing. With this knowledge I requested that Annabelle be brought back to us the next day and Ron and I got to spend several more hours with her. In retrospect I wish that I would have unswaddled my baby girl and studied every part of her more closely but at the time all I kept thinking was how cold she was and how badly I wanted to keep her as warm as possible. I did sneak a peak at her cute belly and bottom but did not want to unwrap her completely.
One of the most difficult moments of this journey (along with finding out Annabelle's diagnosis and the closing of the casket) was when I had to give my daughter to the nurses before my discharge from the hospital. And I think the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I would see her again at the funeral home. Leaving the maternity floor with no baby in hand, no congratulatory gifts, nothing was so painful that it is a blur in my memory. I do know that I was allowed to walk out, which I preferred, and that a kind nurse waited with me in the lobby while Ron went to get the car. I got home and just wanted to sleep. I think that night's sleep was one of the best I had in months, which I thank God for because at that point I was exhausted in every way possible.
The next 2 days were a whirlwind of preparation for the funeral. Nancy recommended a funeral home and because Ron and I have no previous experiences with planning funerals we went with her recommendation. I am so happy with the way Conley Funeral Home handled our situation and most importantly how they cared for our daughter. It is difficult for me to describe the funeral and burial at this point still but will say that everything went perfectly. Ron and I were able to hold Annabelle one last time before closing the casket and we were able to say goodbye in a way that suited us and our family. We had a small viewing, a funeral liturgy at the church, and then said our final goodbyes at the cemetery. I may write more about this in the future but at this point cannot.
As a family, we like to visit Annabelle often and hope to be able to put in a memorial stone soon. Danny and Lilah like to decorate her "place" with sticks, leaves, and flowers and show her different things. I am glad that she is in their memories and I hope that they will always be able to remember their little sister.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Labor and Delivery
Annabelle Lucille was born on July 19th at 10:39 pm and joined the angels July 20th at 12:02 am. I have been wanting to post on here, but every time I would think of it I wouldn't be able to sit down and actually type out the words. I think there is a sort of finality putting everything down and I just wasn't ready for that until now.
I am going to begin with July the 18th when we met one of the most wonderful people I have had the grace of meeting. We had an appointment with Nancy (an RN at Mercy that works with special cases like ours) and were able to discuss exactly what we did and did not want when we had Annabelle. Nancy was able to give us some much needed advice and also some wonderful suggestions as we discussed the details. She also told us that she would try to be there for labor and delivery.
The next day (at 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant) I went into labor. I was feeling pressure come and go that morning, but at that point I thought it was just more pain from all the fluid I was carrying. Because of our appointment with Nancy the day before (and we had a 3D ultrasound appointment the 19th) my kids were with my parents. Ron had his last tutoring appointment at 11 that afternoon and left around 10:30. At that point I really started to feel the pain and noticed that it was coming and going every few minutes. I think I knew then that Annabelle was coming but wasn't ready to admit it. I decided to take a shower and get ready for the day. At that point I couldn't avoid the contractions any longer, I called my mom and she told me to sit down and start keeping track of how far apart the pain was coming. When I noticed they were coming 3-5 minutes apart, I called my nurse midwife's office. They told me to come in immediately and when I got off the phone with them I just let go and bawled. I always had a feeling that Annabelle was going to come early, but I just wasn't ready to let go yet! I texted Ron and when he came home we left for the office. From the office I was sent right to L&D and knew there was no turning back.
I was blessed to have Nancy come in on her day off to be our nurse, and she stayed with us the entire day and through the night. I also had Deb (my nurse midwife) and Wendy (training to become a nurse midwife) there. I texted Heather in a panic once I made it to the hospital because even though I had some things ready for Annabelle I wasn't fully prepared. Heather went out and bought Annabelle some onesies and the outfit that she would wear once she was born. I am so greatful to have such a wondeful friend and am happy to say that Heather came and was a part of Annabelle's birth. I also had my mother in the room with me, while the rest of the family was given the room next door to wait and meet our beautiful angel.
I believe that I was given extra strength during the labor because even though it was awful pain, I felt more in control than I did with my other two. I was progressing quickly and was at 9 cm by 6:30 pm. I felt the urge to push and thought that she was on her way. I started to push and suddenly the contractions started to slow and the urge to push was gone. I was extremely frustrated and I think that the labor slowed because my water wouldn't break. Normally the nursemidwife would have broken my water at this point, but I ready that the water keeps an anencephaly baby's head protected and I did not want it broken unless absolutely necessary. After an hour or so of contractions slowing down I was given pitocin to try to get a better rhythm again. Since I was going through all this naturally at approximately ten I was exhausted, frustrated, and having a difficult time dealing with the pain. Deb finally decided that it was time to try to break the water. She tried several times (slowly, hoping that she would just start a slow leak so that Annabelle would still be protected) but it wasn't working. As I tried to work through a few more contractions without my water being broken I hit my end. Deb finally broke my water. I don't know if I can describe it well but my stomach literally deflated because I had so much fluid released at this point. Later Deb told me that in her 35 years of being a nurse midwife she had never seen so much fluid. I had severe polyhydramniosis (accessive amniotic fluid) but it was never more prevalant than in those moments when it all came out. I remember distinctly feeling complete despair knowing that my baby was going to be tiny. When I looked down at my belly without the fluid it looked like a woman closer to 4-5 months pregnant than a woman 8 months. I know logically it didn't really matter how large (or tiny) she was, but as a mother I still felt completely terrified that she was going to be so small and fragile. As soon as my water broke I felt the urge to push and Annabelle Lucille was born with one big push.
There were no cries and because her umbilical cord was so short, she was not handed to me immediately. (We needed her cord blood for the Duke study and the nursemidwife needed to make sure it was taken care of properly before cutting her cord.) I remember that Ron immediately broke down at the sight of his beautiful daughter, as did my mom and Heather. I just wanted to hold my baby girl. She did not cry or take a breath during her short life, but her strong heart beat long enough for everyone to meet her, hold her, and for her to be baptized before she passed away.
Before I had Annabelle I was scared of how I would react to how she looked, but when I saw her all I saw were her beautiful tiny little features. As the ultrasounds showed, she had full lips like Lilah and a cute little button nose. She also had the longest little feet and fingers like her daddy. She was absolutely precious and I am so proud to be her mom.
Once I was cleaned up we had everyone come in, and even though it was late Lilah and Danny were able to meet their little sister. We debated whether we should send the kids home to sleep, but I am so glad Ron made the decision to keep them up. Lilah was so happy to meet "baby" and did not leave her side the entire time she was there. Danny knew something was wrong and was a bit more guarded, but he watched her get bathed and held her with daddy. It was such a peaceful time and even though there were tears, I was happy to show off our baby girl. We took tons of photos and at some point I will post them, but I am not ready to share them yet. I know that all I saw was how beautiful our daughter is, but have seen too many people critisize and make fun of anencephaly babies. I do not want to expose my angel to any of that.
Annabelle Lucille Andres was 2 pounds and 9 ounces and 14 1/2 inches long. She was not a candidate for any form of organ or tissue donation, but I feel that her story is a gift that I can share with others. When I held her in my arms I had a sense that she was never meant to stay here on earth with us and that gave me a peace that I cannot explain. I was able to mother her in my womb and for the brief moments she stayed with us, and I know this is what I was meant to do. I miss her with ever fiber of my being, but I know she is in a better place and that I did all I could for her while she was in my care.
There is so much more I want to share but I will continue the story another time.
I am going to begin with July the 18th when we met one of the most wonderful people I have had the grace of meeting. We had an appointment with Nancy (an RN at Mercy that works with special cases like ours) and were able to discuss exactly what we did and did not want when we had Annabelle. Nancy was able to give us some much needed advice and also some wonderful suggestions as we discussed the details. She also told us that she would try to be there for labor and delivery.
The next day (at 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant) I went into labor. I was feeling pressure come and go that morning, but at that point I thought it was just more pain from all the fluid I was carrying. Because of our appointment with Nancy the day before (and we had a 3D ultrasound appointment the 19th) my kids were with my parents. Ron had his last tutoring appointment at 11 that afternoon and left around 10:30. At that point I really started to feel the pain and noticed that it was coming and going every few minutes. I think I knew then that Annabelle was coming but wasn't ready to admit it. I decided to take a shower and get ready for the day. At that point I couldn't avoid the contractions any longer, I called my mom and she told me to sit down and start keeping track of how far apart the pain was coming. When I noticed they were coming 3-5 minutes apart, I called my nurse midwife's office. They told me to come in immediately and when I got off the phone with them I just let go and bawled. I always had a feeling that Annabelle was going to come early, but I just wasn't ready to let go yet! I texted Ron and when he came home we left for the office. From the office I was sent right to L&D and knew there was no turning back.
I was blessed to have Nancy come in on her day off to be our nurse, and she stayed with us the entire day and through the night. I also had Deb (my nurse midwife) and Wendy (training to become a nurse midwife) there. I texted Heather in a panic once I made it to the hospital because even though I had some things ready for Annabelle I wasn't fully prepared. Heather went out and bought Annabelle some onesies and the outfit that she would wear once she was born. I am so greatful to have such a wondeful friend and am happy to say that Heather came and was a part of Annabelle's birth. I also had my mother in the room with me, while the rest of the family was given the room next door to wait and meet our beautiful angel.
I believe that I was given extra strength during the labor because even though it was awful pain, I felt more in control than I did with my other two. I was progressing quickly and was at 9 cm by 6:30 pm. I felt the urge to push and thought that she was on her way. I started to push and suddenly the contractions started to slow and the urge to push was gone. I was extremely frustrated and I think that the labor slowed because my water wouldn't break. Normally the nursemidwife would have broken my water at this point, but I ready that the water keeps an anencephaly baby's head protected and I did not want it broken unless absolutely necessary. After an hour or so of contractions slowing down I was given pitocin to try to get a better rhythm again. Since I was going through all this naturally at approximately ten I was exhausted, frustrated, and having a difficult time dealing with the pain. Deb finally decided that it was time to try to break the water. She tried several times (slowly, hoping that she would just start a slow leak so that Annabelle would still be protected) but it wasn't working. As I tried to work through a few more contractions without my water being broken I hit my end. Deb finally broke my water. I don't know if I can describe it well but my stomach literally deflated because I had so much fluid released at this point. Later Deb told me that in her 35 years of being a nurse midwife she had never seen so much fluid. I had severe polyhydramniosis (accessive amniotic fluid) but it was never more prevalant than in those moments when it all came out. I remember distinctly feeling complete despair knowing that my baby was going to be tiny. When I looked down at my belly without the fluid it looked like a woman closer to 4-5 months pregnant than a woman 8 months. I know logically it didn't really matter how large (or tiny) she was, but as a mother I still felt completely terrified that she was going to be so small and fragile. As soon as my water broke I felt the urge to push and Annabelle Lucille was born with one big push.
There were no cries and because her umbilical cord was so short, she was not handed to me immediately. (We needed her cord blood for the Duke study and the nursemidwife needed to make sure it was taken care of properly before cutting her cord.) I remember that Ron immediately broke down at the sight of his beautiful daughter, as did my mom and Heather. I just wanted to hold my baby girl. She did not cry or take a breath during her short life, but her strong heart beat long enough for everyone to meet her, hold her, and for her to be baptized before she passed away.
Before I had Annabelle I was scared of how I would react to how she looked, but when I saw her all I saw were her beautiful tiny little features. As the ultrasounds showed, she had full lips like Lilah and a cute little button nose. She also had the longest little feet and fingers like her daddy. She was absolutely precious and I am so proud to be her mom.
Once I was cleaned up we had everyone come in, and even though it was late Lilah and Danny were able to meet their little sister. We debated whether we should send the kids home to sleep, but I am so glad Ron made the decision to keep them up. Lilah was so happy to meet "baby" and did not leave her side the entire time she was there. Danny knew something was wrong and was a bit more guarded, but he watched her get bathed and held her with daddy. It was such a peaceful time and even though there were tears, I was happy to show off our baby girl. We took tons of photos and at some point I will post them, but I am not ready to share them yet. I know that all I saw was how beautiful our daughter is, but have seen too many people critisize and make fun of anencephaly babies. I do not want to expose my angel to any of that.
Annabelle Lucille Andres was 2 pounds and 9 ounces and 14 1/2 inches long. She was not a candidate for any form of organ or tissue donation, but I feel that her story is a gift that I can share with others. When I held her in my arms I had a sense that she was never meant to stay here on earth with us and that gave me a peace that I cannot explain. I was able to mother her in my womb and for the brief moments she stayed with us, and I know this is what I was meant to do. I miss her with ever fiber of my being, but I know she is in a better place and that I did all I could for her while she was in my care.
There is so much more I want to share but I will continue the story another time.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Today was a hard day for me. I feel like time is flying away from me and I cannot enjoy this last bit of time with my Annabelle. My fluid level is quite high and at this point even walking in a store is making my legs spasm, due to lack of circulation. I cannot sleep because my ribs ache from the pressure, and I have a difficult time eating and breathing. I don't want to complain, but I need to let it out. I have even been considering an earlier induction to relieve the pain. This kills me inside. I feel so selfish wanting the pain to stop so much that I would induce early. I feel like I can protect her for a few more weeks and all I want is this to be over with. I don't even know how to fully explain what I'm feeling. I should be able to tolerate the pain and only give my Annabelle love and instead I am concentrating on just getting through the day without breaking down in pain emotionally and physically. How do I justify ending her life earlier to stop some minor aches and pains??? I know people are telling me that it's ok, that I need to take care of myself as well, that I have done so much already. But how do I choose my own daughter's date of death? I am so lost and all I want is an answer to give me peace.
We have also started discussing the funeral and burial... How do I plan a funeral for my baby? How do I pick a coffin? A burial site? An outfit? I don't know how I am going to handle putting my own baby in the ground and leaving her there. My heart aches today and I need prayers.
We have also started discussing the funeral and burial... How do I plan a funeral for my baby? How do I pick a coffin? A burial site? An outfit? I don't know how I am going to handle putting my own baby in the ground and leaving her there. My heart aches today and I need prayers.
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