Labor and Delivery

Annabelle Lucille was born on July 19th at 10:39 pm and joined the angels July 20th at 12:02 am.  I have been wanting to post on here, but every time I would think of it I wouldn't be able to sit down and actually type out the words.  I think there is a sort of finality putting everything down and I just wasn't ready for that until now.

I am going to begin with July the 18th when we met one of the most wonderful people I have had the grace of meeting.  We had an appointment with Nancy (an RN at Mercy that works with special cases like ours) and were able to discuss exactly what we did and did not want when we had Annabelle.  Nancy was able to give us some much needed advice and also some wonderful suggestions as we discussed the details.  She also told us that she would try to be there for labor and delivery. 
The next day (at 34 weeks and 4 days pregnant) I went into labor.  I was feeling pressure come and go that morning, but at that point I thought it was just more pain from all the fluid I was carrying.  Because of our appointment with Nancy the day before (and we had a 3D ultrasound appointment the 19th) my kids were with my parents.  Ron had his last tutoring appointment at 11 that afternoon and left around 10:30.  At that point I really started to feel the pain and noticed that it was coming and going every few minutes.  I think I knew then that Annabelle was coming but wasn't ready to admit it.  I decided to take a shower and get ready for the day.  At that point I couldn't avoid the contractions any longer, I called my mom and she told me to sit down and start keeping track of how far apart the pain was coming.  When I noticed they were coming 3-5 minutes apart, I called my nurse midwife's office.  They told me to come in immediately and when I got off the phone with them I just let go and bawled.  I always had a feeling that Annabelle was going to come early, but I just wasn't ready to let go yet!  I texted Ron and when he came home we left for the office.  From the office I was sent right to L&D and knew there was no turning back. 
I was blessed to have Nancy come in on her day off to be our nurse, and she stayed with us the entire day and through the night.  I also had Deb (my nurse midwife) and Wendy (training to become a nurse midwife) there.  I texted Heather in a panic once I made it to the hospital because even though I had some things ready for Annabelle I wasn't fully prepared.  Heather went out and bought Annabelle some onesies and the outfit that she would wear once she was born.  I am so greatful to have such a wondeful friend and am happy to say that Heather came and was a part of Annabelle's birth.  I also had my mother in the room with me, while the rest of the family was given the room next door to wait and meet our beautiful angel. 
I believe that I was given extra strength during the labor because even though it was awful pain, I felt more in control than I did with my other two.  I was progressing quickly and was at 9 cm by 6:30 pm.  I felt the urge to push and thought that she was on her way.  I started to push and suddenly the contractions started to slow and the urge to push was gone.  I was extremely frustrated and I think that the labor slowed because my water wouldn't break.  Normally the nursemidwife would have broken my water at this point, but I ready that the water keeps an anencephaly baby's head protected and I did not want it broken unless absolutely necessary.  After an hour or so of contractions slowing down I was given pitocin to try to get a better rhythm again.  Since I was going through all this naturally at approximately ten I was exhausted, frustrated, and having a difficult time dealing with the pain.  Deb finally decided that it was time to try to break the water.  She tried several times (slowly, hoping that she would just start a slow leak so that Annabelle would still be protected) but it wasn't working.  As I tried to work through a few more contractions without my water being broken I hit my end.  Deb finally broke my water.  I don't know if I can describe it well but my stomach literally deflated because I had so much fluid released at this point.  Later Deb told me that in her 35 years of being a nurse midwife she had never seen so much fluid.  I had severe polyhydramniosis (accessive amniotic fluid) but it was never more prevalant than in those moments when it all came out.  I remember distinctly feeling complete despair knowing that my baby was going to be tiny.  When I looked down at my belly without the fluid it looked like a woman closer to 4-5 months pregnant than a woman 8 months.  I know logically it didn't really matter how large (or tiny) she was, but as a mother I still felt completely terrified that she was going to be so small and fragile.  As soon as my water broke I felt the urge to push and Annabelle Lucille was born with one big push. 
There were no cries and because her umbilical cord was so short, she was not handed to me immediately. (We needed her cord blood for the Duke study and the nursemidwife needed to make sure it was taken care of properly before cutting her cord.)  I remember that Ron immediately broke down at the sight of his beautiful daughter, as did my mom and Heather.  I just wanted to hold my baby girl.  She did not cry or take a breath during her short life, but her strong heart beat long enough for everyone to meet her, hold her, and for her to be baptized before she passed away. 
Before I had Annabelle I was scared of how I would react to how she looked, but when I saw her all I saw were her beautiful tiny little features.  As the ultrasounds showed, she had full lips like Lilah and a cute little button nose.  She also had the longest little feet and fingers like her daddy.  She was absolutely precious and I am so proud to be her mom.
Once I was cleaned up we had everyone come in, and even though it was late Lilah and Danny were able to meet their little sister.  We debated whether we should send the kids home to sleep, but I am so glad Ron made the decision to keep them up.  Lilah was so happy to meet "baby" and did not leave her side the entire time she was there.  Danny knew something was wrong and was a bit more guarded, but he watched her get bathed and held her with daddy.  It was such a peaceful time and even though there were tears, I was happy to show off our baby girl.  We took tons of photos and at some point I will post them, but I am not ready to share them yet.  I know that all I saw was how beautiful our daughter is, but have seen too many people critisize and make fun of anencephaly babies.  I do not want to expose my angel to any of that.
Annabelle Lucille Andres was 2 pounds and 9 ounces and 14 1/2 inches long. She was not a candidate for any form of organ or tissue donation, but I feel that her story is a gift that I can share with others.  When I held her in my arms I had a sense that she was never meant to stay here on earth with us and that gave me a peace that I cannot explain.  I was able to mother her in my womb and for the brief moments she stayed with us, and I know this is what I was meant to do.  I miss her with ever fiber of my being, but I know she is in a better place and that I did all I could for her while she was in my care.

There is so much more I want to share but I will continue the story another time. 

Today was a hard day for me.  I feel like time is flying away from me and I cannot enjoy this last bit of time with my Annabelle.  My fluid level is quite high and at this point even walking in a store is making my legs spasm, due to lack of circulation.  I cannot sleep because my ribs ache from the pressure, and I have a difficult time eating and breathing.   I don't want to complain, but I need to let it out.  I have even been considering an earlier induction to relieve the pain.  This kills me inside.  I feel so selfish wanting the pain to stop so much that I would induce early.  I feel like I can protect her for a few more weeks and all I want is this to be over with.  I don't even know how to fully explain what I'm feeling.  I should be able to tolerate the pain and only give my Annabelle love and instead I am concentrating on just getting through the day without breaking down in pain emotionally and physically.  How do I justify ending her life earlier to stop some minor aches and pains???  I know people are telling me that it's ok, that I need to take care of myself as well, that I have done so much already.  But how do I choose my own daughter's date of death?  I am so lost and all I want is an answer to give me peace.
We have also started discussing the funeral and burial...  How do I plan a funeral for my baby?  How do I pick a coffin?  A burial site?  An outfit?  I don't know how I am going to handle putting my own baby in the ground and leaving her there.  My heart aches today and I need prayers. 

Ultrasound

First of all, Happy 5th Anniversary to my wonderful husband!!!  I am proud to be Ron's wife, as he makes me a better wife, mother, and person.  We have been through so much already and have only grown closer.  I am thrilled I found someone so wonderful to spend my life with. :-)

We had our ultrasound this morning and needless to say I didn't sleep well because I was a bundle of nerves.  I was hoping that Danny would do well, and I didn't need to worry.  Although it was difficult to make out a lot of what he was seeing, he specifically asked to see Annabelle's ouchie and proceeded to tell the ultrasound tech that she was ours and he wanted to keep her at our house forever.  He is such a sweetheart and I only hope that we can make her passing as understandable and bearable as possible for him.  When we saw her gorgeous lips and button nose, he just said she's beautiful. It made my heart melt.  I think if he wasn't in the room, I would have completely broken down, but with him there I had the strength to enjoy the ultrasound and only shed a few tears. 
We found out that Annabelle is measuring appx. 29 weeks (I will be 33 weeks tomorrow), so she is tiny and the ultrasound tech could not determine an approximate weight because of her head measurments.  She could only tell us that she was very little and I have a feeling Annabelle won't make it to 6 pounds to qualify for organ/tissue donation.   I also have a lot of extra fluid, which explains why I am so much more uncomfortable at this point than I was with my other pregnancies.  I am measuring at almost 37 weeks and my stomach is so taught the nurse midwife had a difficult time measuring/feeling for Annabelle.  It basically feels like I am constantly having a contraction.  But the most painful is the fact that my uterus is pressing against my ribs and has bruised them at this point.  We discussed having some fluid drained, but it is a temporary solution with risks involved.  At this point it's not something I want to do, but if the fluid keeps building up, it may become a possiblility.  My daughter is beautiful and even though seeing her head was a bit jarring all I could concentrate on was how much her features reminded me of Lilah's.  She truly looks like an angel.  It was an emotional experience, but I am so glad that we got to see her moving around and content.  It makes any discomfort and pain worth it.  I would do anything for any of my children, and Annabelle is no exception. 

I love you little girl!  I am so happy I got to see you today. :-) 

Ultrasound tomorrow...

Well we have the ultrasound tomorrow and I am excited and terrified at the same time.  I cannot wait to see Annabelle's sweet face, but I hope and pray that her defect doesn't take away from her beauty in my eyes, and I hope that Danny isn't scared of what he sees.  I am also nervous about hearing how severe her anencephaly is.  I am scared to hear that it's so severe she probably won't survive the birth and I am scared to hear that she will survive and may live for a while.  Please don't misunderstand.  I would love to be able to have my daughter with us as long as possible, but I know the challenges that come with that are great and the possibility of her suffering are there.  I suppose all I can hope for is that whatever is best for her and us will come.  I will post as soon as I am able about what we find out, and I hope to be able to post some pictures from the ultrasound.  If you are reading this, please keep us in your prayers tonight so that tomorrow is a happy and joyful time for all of us.

Lilah and Annabelle...

Typically Ron puts Danny to bed and I put Lilah to sleep.  Tonight was no different except that for some reason after our prayers (we go though thanking God for everyone in the family, naming all names including Annabelle, and the good things we were blessed with during the day), Lilah became quite interested in Annabelle.  She has been pretty much oblivious to the "baby in my belly", so this really caught me by surprise.  She insisted on pulling my shirt up, giving Annabelle kisses and cuddling with my tummy for several minutes.  Annabelle even kicked towards Lilah and when Lilah looked at me curiously I explained that Annabelle was kicking hello.  Lilah proceeded with lightly kicking my belly back, lol.  I don't know how much she understands since she is only 22 months, but these few moments meant the world to me and I want to make sure to remember them, so one day I can tell Lilah all about how she and Annabelle cuddled and kicked their hellos.

My weekend...

This weekend was wonderful.  Not because of anything extraordinary, but because I was able to spend it with family.  We were able to enjoy the great weather and just relax and celebrate my birthday.  Ron even got me tickets to see Cirque du Soleil this Thursday in Chicago, which I cannot wait for!  I have been wanting to see them live for years.  We are planning on hanging around downtown for the day and are having my family watch the kids.  It is a much needed date day and I just hope the weather cooperates.
I have been having a difficult time breathing and walking around and feel like I have definitely gotten bigger.  I am interested to see how I measure when I go back to the nurse midwife on the 7th.  I read somewhere that if a woman gets accessive fluid, it really starts to build up after the 30th week.  I am currently 31 1/2 weeks pregnant.  Annabelle is getting more active than ever and has definitely made me rethink my former opinion of her being my weakest child in-utero.  So even though I am not comfortable I am loving the feeling of having a little gymnist in me.  It's like she knows she needs to live it up while she can.  My lovely little Annabelle. 
Lately I have been thinking about how she would fit into our family and what sort of impact she will have once she arrives and I just can't picture any of it.  Will she have darker features like Danny or the shocking light features of Lilah?  Danny told me he cannot wait to see her and we have decided to take him to the ultrasound with us.  He's extremely excited to see, as he puts it, his Annabelle baby.  I will have my mom there in case he needs to leave or has had enough but I am interested to see what he thinks of her.  He knows she has a big ouchie on her head that cannot be fixed or healed and is too big for her to live with, but with his innocence I wonder if it will scare him or just make him curious when he sees her on the ultrasound missing so much.
Less than 9 weeks to go and it feels like time is flying by.  I want to pause time and box it up somehow so that I can go back to this in the future.  As difficult as this journey is, it is full of love and warmth and happiness, and I have been able to watch and appreciate my life and family more than I ever had.  I believe that Ron not finding a job this summer is a much needed blessing in disguise, and even though it's not easy financially- I believe it is more than worth it with all the family moments we have shared already.  It's the small things that I love and am glad this summer so far has been filled with wonderful small moments.

What I found during my research...

Today as I continued to look for some information regarding infant tissue and organ donation I stumbled upon a definition of Organ Donation Laws and was extremely upset about what it wrote... I believe that this definition was written approx. 5-10 years ago and opinions may have changed, but at that point there were numerous people who believe the following statement.

"Proponents contend that, because these infants are never conscious, they do not meet the most minimal criteria for becoming a person." West's Encyclopedia of American Law, edition 2

Enough people believed this that they passed a law that organs and tissue could be harvested while anencephalic babies still had a heartbeat and could be deemed "living". It horrifies me that first of all these poor helpless babies could be considered non-human as well as the fact that it would seem ok to harvest from them while they maintained basic human reflexes (breathing, heart beating, etc...) . I have not had the honor of meeting Annabelle yet and do not know how severe her anencephaly is, but from support groups I am on I know that mothers have seen their babies react to external stimuli, some could even eat on their own, and many wail as if in pain at times.

I cannot imagine for one moment that the little being moving, kicking, and squiggling inside me is not human. She has her own heartbeat, her own daily schedule of sleeping and wakefulness, and when we saw her on ultrasound she had the most beautiful features. I have read that in earlier medical books babies with this diagnosis were termed as "monsters", but I know that is the exact opposite of the truth. These babies are pure and innocent and will remain that their entire lives. Annabelle has given me a chance to love her in a way I thought was impossible, and I know others have already been touched by her brief life. I pray that these little ones will be treated with dignity and love, and hope mothers in my position are able to get as much support as I have.