Saturday, March 10, 2012
Tattoo Consultation
Today I am going in with Ron for our tattoo consultations. I am so excited to be getting an amazing piece of artwork in memory of Annabelle. I am just nervous because I want it to be perfect. I know this is only the consult, but in a couple of weeks I will be getting the actual tattoo, and it will be with me forever. It brings a smile to my face knowing that I will have a symbol of Annabelle on me for the rest of my life... I cannot wait to show it off to the world!
Friday, March 2, 2012
I know I haven't posted in a while, but I have been trying to figure out this new life I am living. I am able to have good days now and can enjoy time with friends and family. It makes me happy being able to watch Lilah and Danny grow up and experience so many things. I am so blessed that I found a job where they are with me all day.
Annabelle is on my mind every second of every day, but I have found peace in this thought. She is with me and always will be. She is my forever baby. I am actually getting a tattoo in her memory this month and cannot wait! I found an amazing tattoo artist and have a consult with him March 10th. I know I want a butterfly on my shoulder and to somehow have Annabelle's name or initials incorporated in the design, but I want to see what David (the tattoo artists) says before I decide on exactly what I want. Since I cannot have her with me physically, this is my way of having her with me. I will post pictures when I get it!
I also decided to do the March of Dimes walk for babies. Our family is going to participate in the Naperville walk at the end of April. I was looking for something to do in her memory and this feels right. Annabelle's cousin was in the NICU after being born early a few years ago and it was because of MoD he had all the help he did. They also do research and support for babies with birth defects and they offer support for parents who lose their babies. I am hoping to support this cause and if you would like to donate, I am attaching the link to Annabelle's page. Any donation would be greatly appreciated.
March of Dimes: March for Babies. Team Name- Annabelle Lucille
http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=3228693&ct=4&w=5379462&u=agica33&bt=11
I am going to try to post on here more often and will keep updates on the MoD walk.
Annabelle is on my mind every second of every day, but I have found peace in this thought. She is with me and always will be. She is my forever baby. I am actually getting a tattoo in her memory this month and cannot wait! I found an amazing tattoo artist and have a consult with him March 10th. I know I want a butterfly on my shoulder and to somehow have Annabelle's name or initials incorporated in the design, but I want to see what David (the tattoo artists) says before I decide on exactly what I want. Since I cannot have her with me physically, this is my way of having her with me. I will post pictures when I get it!
I also decided to do the March of Dimes walk for babies. Our family is going to participate in the Naperville walk at the end of April. I was looking for something to do in her memory and this feels right. Annabelle's cousin was in the NICU after being born early a few years ago and it was because of MoD he had all the help he did. They also do research and support for babies with birth defects and they offer support for parents who lose their babies. I am hoping to support this cause and if you would like to donate, I am attaching the link to Annabelle's page. Any donation would be greatly appreciated.
March of Dimes: March for Babies. Team Name- Annabelle Lucille
http://www.marchforbabies.org/personal_page.asp?pp=3228693&ct=4&w=5379462&u=agica33&bt=11
I am going to try to post on here more often and will keep updates on the MoD walk.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Harry's Law
On the show Harry's Law on NBC (I do not watch it myself) yesterday they dealt with a case of a mom who killed her baby. The baby happened to have anencephaly. During the show they used several incorrect facts about anencephaly but the most hurtful was the fact that they compared the baby to a houseplant. I don't care how "brain dead" a person is, they are still a person and it hurt like crazy that they would compare a baby like Annabelle to something so inconsequential. Annabelle was a life of her own and all babies with anencephaly deserve as much respect and dignity as any other person. Even before Annabelle I wouldn't even think a comparison like this would be ok. It hurts me that people can be so callous and cruel.
Friday, October 28, 2011
I am sitting here hoping that writing will help the ache in my heart. Today in the car Danny started asking questions about Annabelle and it took everything not to completely break down. He wanted to know if his sister will grow big and strong in heaven and if she will have room in the box shes in. He wanted to know why she had a big ouchie and why she had to go to heaven. He wanted to know if she will always be his sister. Today I just want to wake up from this dream and turn over to see Annabelle sleeping in her little bassinet. But I can't because she never will. My tears are running down my face but they will never be able to fill the void in my arms and in my heart. Oh how much I miss the little girl I only got to see for moments. I miss what she was and what she will never be. I just want 5 minutes to hold her again. Dear God please give me strength. I feel so weak.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
MYTH: A parent who has lost a baby wants to forget it ever happened and move on with their life. TRUTH: In the words of Elizabeth Edwards, "If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and...THAT is a great gift."
Please take a moment to remember all the babies that have left this earth too soon. Many families will be lighting a candle at 7 PM tonight (including us), and it would mean the world to us if you light one for Annabelle and all the babies who are with her.
I am ready to share some pictures of our little girl...
Monday, September 19, 2011
2 Month Birthday
Today is Annabelle's 2 month birthday and in a few hours will be her 2 month "angel" birthday...
It feels like ages ago that I delivered Annabelle and was able to hold her in my arms. I remember her sweet little face and the pure joy I felt when she was first laid in my arms. I remember that all my fears vanished for those few short hours, and I was able to just enjoy being her mom. I miss that so much tonight. I miss feeling her movements when I was pregnant with her and I miss being able to see her beautiful feet, hands, belly, face... I miss all of her. My body aches for her and the memories of her that will never exist. I know that she is safe, happy, and perfect but I am still her mommy and want to be able to see for myself that she is cared for. I know this is illogical and possibly even quite silly, but I can't help it. I want to see her and know that she is happy, but I suppose that's where faith and trust come to play.
I came on here thinking I was just going to write briefly about beginning a new job today and didn't realize how much this being Annabelle's 2 month birthday impacted me. I can honestly say that there isn't a moment that I don't have Annabelle in my thoughts, but I am so scared that one day I will forget, even if it's just for a moment, and I do not want that. I want her memory to stay strong and clear. I want to remember how she felt in my womb, and then in my arms, how she looked, her warmth when she was first born.... And I feel that if I let go then I won't be able to do that.
I miss you so much Annabelle. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can hear when I talk to you. I am sending you hugs and kisses on this special day. And I am sending my love.
It feels like ages ago that I delivered Annabelle and was able to hold her in my arms. I remember her sweet little face and the pure joy I felt when she was first laid in my arms. I remember that all my fears vanished for those few short hours, and I was able to just enjoy being her mom. I miss that so much tonight. I miss feeling her movements when I was pregnant with her and I miss being able to see her beautiful feet, hands, belly, face... I miss all of her. My body aches for her and the memories of her that will never exist. I know that she is safe, happy, and perfect but I am still her mommy and want to be able to see for myself that she is cared for. I know this is illogical and possibly even quite silly, but I can't help it. I want to see her and know that she is happy, but I suppose that's where faith and trust come to play.
I came on here thinking I was just going to write briefly about beginning a new job today and didn't realize how much this being Annabelle's 2 month birthday impacted me. I can honestly say that there isn't a moment that I don't have Annabelle in my thoughts, but I am so scared that one day I will forget, even if it's just for a moment, and I do not want that. I want her memory to stay strong and clear. I want to remember how she felt in my womb, and then in my arms, how she looked, her warmth when she was first born.... And I feel that if I let go then I won't be able to do that.
I miss you so much Annabelle. I love you with all my heart and I hope you can hear when I talk to you. I am sending you hugs and kisses on this special day. And I am sending my love.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Continuation...
I finally feel strong enough to continue writing...
Around midnight when our family left the photographer from NILMDTS came and took some beautiful pictures of our Annabelle. It was a quiet and peaceful time when Ron and I could just concentrate on Annabelle and her beauty. After the photographer left I was exhausted and the nurses took Annabelle away for the night so that I could try to get some sleep. Of course sleeping was no easy task, but I was hoping to get a few hours before morning came and I got to see my Annabelle again. Before having Annabelle I think I might have found the whole situation a bit strange, but from reading others' stories I learned that holding and being with the baby even after his/her passing is a helpful step in healing. With this knowledge I requested that Annabelle be brought back to us the next day and Ron and I got to spend several more hours with her. In retrospect I wish that I would have unswaddled my baby girl and studied every part of her more closely but at the time all I kept thinking was how cold she was and how badly I wanted to keep her as warm as possible. I did sneak a peak at her cute belly and bottom but did not want to unwrap her completely.
One of the most difficult moments of this journey (along with finding out Annabelle's diagnosis and the closing of the casket) was when I had to give my daughter to the nurses before my discharge from the hospital. And I think the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I would see her again at the funeral home. Leaving the maternity floor with no baby in hand, no congratulatory gifts, nothing was so painful that it is a blur in my memory. I do know that I was allowed to walk out, which I preferred, and that a kind nurse waited with me in the lobby while Ron went to get the car. I got home and just wanted to sleep. I think that night's sleep was one of the best I had in months, which I thank God for because at that point I was exhausted in every way possible.
The next 2 days were a whirlwind of preparation for the funeral. Nancy recommended a funeral home and because Ron and I have no previous experiences with planning funerals we went with her recommendation. I am so happy with the way Conley Funeral Home handled our situation and most importantly how they cared for our daughter. It is difficult for me to describe the funeral and burial at this point still but will say that everything went perfectly. Ron and I were able to hold Annabelle one last time before closing the casket and we were able to say goodbye in a way that suited us and our family. We had a small viewing, a funeral liturgy at the church, and then said our final goodbyes at the cemetery. I may write more about this in the future but at this point cannot.
As a family, we like to visit Annabelle often and hope to be able to put in a memorial stone soon. Danny and Lilah like to decorate her "place" with sticks, leaves, and flowers and show her different things. I am glad that she is in their memories and I hope that they will always be able to remember their little sister.
Around midnight when our family left the photographer from NILMDTS came and took some beautiful pictures of our Annabelle. It was a quiet and peaceful time when Ron and I could just concentrate on Annabelle and her beauty. After the photographer left I was exhausted and the nurses took Annabelle away for the night so that I could try to get some sleep. Of course sleeping was no easy task, but I was hoping to get a few hours before morning came and I got to see my Annabelle again. Before having Annabelle I think I might have found the whole situation a bit strange, but from reading others' stories I learned that holding and being with the baby even after his/her passing is a helpful step in healing. With this knowledge I requested that Annabelle be brought back to us the next day and Ron and I got to spend several more hours with her. In retrospect I wish that I would have unswaddled my baby girl and studied every part of her more closely but at the time all I kept thinking was how cold she was and how badly I wanted to keep her as warm as possible. I did sneak a peak at her cute belly and bottom but did not want to unwrap her completely.
One of the most difficult moments of this journey (along with finding out Annabelle's diagnosis and the closing of the casket) was when I had to give my daughter to the nurses before my discharge from the hospital. And I think the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I would see her again at the funeral home. Leaving the maternity floor with no baby in hand, no congratulatory gifts, nothing was so painful that it is a blur in my memory. I do know that I was allowed to walk out, which I preferred, and that a kind nurse waited with me in the lobby while Ron went to get the car. I got home and just wanted to sleep. I think that night's sleep was one of the best I had in months, which I thank God for because at that point I was exhausted in every way possible.
The next 2 days were a whirlwind of preparation for the funeral. Nancy recommended a funeral home and because Ron and I have no previous experiences with planning funerals we went with her recommendation. I am so happy with the way Conley Funeral Home handled our situation and most importantly how they cared for our daughter. It is difficult for me to describe the funeral and burial at this point still but will say that everything went perfectly. Ron and I were able to hold Annabelle one last time before closing the casket and we were able to say goodbye in a way that suited us and our family. We had a small viewing, a funeral liturgy at the church, and then said our final goodbyes at the cemetery. I may write more about this in the future but at this point cannot.
As a family, we like to visit Annabelle often and hope to be able to put in a memorial stone soon. Danny and Lilah like to decorate her "place" with sticks, leaves, and flowers and show her different things. I am glad that she is in their memories and I hope that they will always be able to remember their little sister.
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